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In the previous “how are you” blog, Hasan dived into the ethical, social, and practical issues around asking this utterly mundane question at the beginning of every meeting. If you dig in a little deeper, it becomes clear that asking “how are you” is far from being full of meaning. What’s more, lurking miscommunications might be more painful than beneficial.
But does it matter? Yes, it matters for you personally and professionally. Social support, be it through hugging or through emotional safety and empathy, has health benefits. Furthermore, meaningful, effective communication is at the heart of multidisciplinarity and leadership. Let’s put it simply: would you ever go for an empty-worded abstract? Then why would you start a meeting with an empty “how are you”?
On a quest for the “How are you 2.0”, we collected practical tips from colleagues, publications, and our own experience. Whether you value efficiency, would like to get more out of meetings, are afraid of getting too personal, or are ready to experiment, we’ve got something for you. Read on!
Make small talk great again: the coffee machine tips
Coffee corners catalyse all sorts of conversations, from the most ephemeral to those that get out of hand (oops, it’s been half an hour!). Why should we always use the same opener? If you realise someone is rushing, just ask “busy day?” Give them the opportunity to say “Yes” and walk away. If they do feel like talking, they are likely to say “hm, not extremely…” and you’ll see how it goes from there. If you are the one who’s busy, you can opt to just say “Hi”. And you can even tell you’re busy and you’d love to catch up later. It sounds obvious, but, is it?
Other sentences you can try are: How was your weekend? How’s your week going? Nice workout yesterday?... Or go for a nice twist and open up yourself first: “What a crazy day! I’m sorry if I am a bit absent”. Does this sound superficial to you? It might. But sometimes, people feel intimidated by having to directly answer “how are you”. Sometimes we don’t want to talk, sometimes we do. That’s why if we start small, we can sense what the other needs.
Effectively getting to the serious business
How do we set the tone for work meetings? I like to use my experience from competitive ballroom dancing. “Checking-in” is my (and my dance partner’s) favourite way to start a training. It takes only two minutes, and it makes a huge difference.
Think about these aspects: performance is at stake, we spend many hours together, and we might be tired. It’s easy to miscommunicate or become irritated. In a training setting, we’d be changing clothes and shoes while briefly telling how our day was. We’d set training goals and clearly state what we need or expect from our partner and this particular training.
Why not try this at work, before a meeting? You’ll be setting up the projector, starting a new note page, settling down, waiting for someone. Use this time to check-in. Set meeting goals, state expectations, and be honest if you think any stressful situation might undermine your patience or concentration. Clarity avoids tension. If I know you are stressed, I’ll be more patient. And if you’re feeling good and productive, you can lift the group up with your energy and focus.
Ranting: when to start and when to stop
Now, let’s air our dirty laundry. Hear, hear… the interesting “Friday evening rule” from a colleague and her friends. During the first beer round, everyone in the group gets 5 minutes. They may complain, rant, and moan about everything and anyone that had gone wrong that week. For five golden minutes, each friend will be heard, supported, encouraged. No unsolicited advice, just a (group of) listening ear(s).
But here’s their important trick: getting out of the downward spiral. Once everyone had had their turn, it’s Friday evening! Only fun conversation are allowed from then on. My extra tip: if you need a stronger pill, you can always start with a round of “cards against humanity”.
A happiness journey for the intrepid
Feeling adventurous? Then a happy lab track might be for you. At the lab of Anne Rios (Prinses Maxima Centrum) they are – of course – extremely happy with the results, which you can read about in Nature. Their lab manager, Hannah Johnson, shared a tip with us: the “happiness colour scoring system”.
Every Monday morning, each lab member says the colour of their general well-being: from green to red, through yellow or orange. Next to that, they give a two-minute summary of their last week. You can choose to explain your colour choice, or not at all. You can also share it in another occasion, for example in a catch-up coffee with a trusted colleague, later that week. There was a case of a colleague who had been orange for some weeks. Sitting down with a supervisor led to some readjustments and brought immediate relief.
Tackling a yellow or red post-it on time avoids serious consequences. And, for those who find it difficult, it takes off the pressure of having to ask. Furthermore, people who feel they count will flourish professionally, feel prepared to take side projects, and be more prone to learning new things. Actually, I shouldn’t be trying to convince anyone. We all deserve emotional well-being.
Be real, we appreciate it
This is a simple tip. If you do not have the time or the energy to listen, simply do not ask. Most of us prefer to know that when people formulate a question, they are prepared to receive an honest answer. This is very important: if you ask, be ready to catch any reaction. Not just “politically correct” ones.
As a side note: if the tip above makes you think you would never have time to ask, you might want to dig deeper on why that is. Remember the oxygen masks in planes? If you don’t have yours on, you can’t help others.
Finally, do not feel guilty or ashamed. Honesty can be kind too! Tell someone once, without sweeteners but with respect, that you do not feel well. You’ll be surprised about the reactions of care and support around you. It can be a great eye-opener.
Experiment and see for yourself
Those were our tips. Give it a thought, share with colleagues, discuss, and find your own new ways. Meaningful, assertive and respectful conversations are as important in the professional world as in your private life. Building trust brings projects further. After a long, socially challenging pandemic, we’ve realised how mental stress can destabilise even our physical health. Let’s come back in style and set the tone for the healthy work environment we’ve been missing.
Blog by Estel Collado Camps
Edited by Özlem Bulut and Hasan Erkan
Special thanks to Hannah Johnson (Prinses Maxima Centrum)
Want to share your ideas and thoughts? Email us!
